100 Ideas
A post one year in the making
My boyfriend struggles to communicate in grammars which are familiar to the rest of us. While bright, wise, and well-read, he mostly conveys feelings and observations through verbal spasms related to pop culture ephemera. These outbursts command attention, too; if he senses you didn’t hear it, or didn’t give it enough consideration, he will repeat it, or even bring a multi-actor conversation to a screeching halt so that we all can listen. The first time I went to his family home, it took all of 20 minutes for his family to firmly and passionately beg him to stop interrupting dinner to say things like, “Legally Blonde / Craiggery Bronde.” Somewhere between Scottish rhymes and all-American poetry, would-be posts flow from him like water. Something more viscous than water.
After a couple months of dating him, I started writing down things he said, just so I could show them to him later: “you said this.” Eventually, the Notes App entry became so unwieldy, I decided to start a new one, with the express purpose of one day publishing it.
What follows are one hundred, concrete ideas my boyfriend told me to write down at some point over the last calendar year. I only wrote them down if he told me to, and even then I missed many while we were at a party or on a walk. Some of them I have purposefully excluded because they were so dumb, they made me angry. A few made no sense because I recorded them using speech-to-text. Otherwise, I have copied them almost verbatim.
To be clear, however, this list is highly editorialized. Compiling the short-handed notes into what you’re reading now was a challenge of artistic form and discursive choreography. At times, the items flow so well, sections make me laugh the tenth time over. Others, however, are thornier. To that point, I’d like to clarify: the ideas forthwith are not my own, and I do not endorse them as part of the Famous and Beloved brand or my personal voice as an artist or spokesperson. Please also note that the footnotes and captions are my own as the editor.
Keep your hope alive — don’t do this:
If you would like to read this person’s writing on food and culture, he is also the Famous and Beloved Senior Food Correspondent and will be spotlighting here next week. You should also subscribe to his newsletter, Meals Meals Food.
100 Ideas
Joe Alwyn is the modern day Carolyn Bessette.
Sean Price Williams should direct a Netflix movie for Addison Rae.1
If Brady Corbet never started directing, he would be in From the World of John Wick: Ballerina.
If John Sugar were real he would be Jonathan Glazer.
Lin Manuel Miranda should be president. Update: The presidential ticket should be Lin Manuel Miranda and Colin Jost.
We should be Paul Bunyan and his Blue Ox for Halloween.
Mr. Beast should get plastic surgery to look like Lance Bass.
If Brady Corbet never directed The Childhood of a Leader, he would be the Brian Jordan Alvarez character in M3GAN 2.0.
Tom Sandoval should be in Oh, Mary!
If Donald Trump were never president he would now be married to Caroline Calloway.
Ryan Murphy is Emperor Palpatine.
 | A guest post by
|